Lap Band Aid

redundancy

2008-12-01T21:23:00.002-05:00

When the titles pop up as other ones I've typed you know it's a bit redundant.

So I'm trying to type with less slang and more articulation. It seems a bit pretentious but also, when it comes time to write the book I expect it will hold me in better stead.

Just sayin'

It's hard though.

Any way to up date. Tomorrow I go for the second opinion on the plastic surgery. I've already been approved for surgery, well for the excess skin and tissue on my torso to be removed, but not my arms, legs or breasts. So that's not the issue.

The issue is if the two docs are on the same page. Like how much will this one think he'll remove? What kind of incisions will he be making? What kind of drains, follow up and protocols? Is my Columbus man reasonable, is the Cincinnati doctor going to be exceptionally better? There's going to be a few follow up drives. I don't know how much I'm going to want to drive to Cincy if the doctor in Columbus is equal.

So I'm hoping for equal. I don't dislike the Columbus Doc, but I figure I considering the extent of this surgery having a second opinion is warranted.

I did actually have a good day as far as eating awareness goes. I only had two meals and a snack. I'm trying to ditch the sugar and simple carbohydrates. It's 9:30 and all is well. I should go and track it, but that just wears me down after a bit. I want to find a way to control my eating without tracking. I know I've said in the past if that's the one thing I have to do to get my weight off, I'll do it. But I'm looking for solutions that will get my weight off that don't include having to track what I eat.

It's about being aware of what you put in your mouth. I'm pretty cognizant of that right now.

We'll see.

Otherwise, life is good. The kid broke her arm. She has a pink cast to go with the pink Xmas tree so we're going to have a pink, pink holiday.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-24T13:08:00.002-05:00

So here's to giving thanks for a happy life. One that is healthy and full of activities of my own design.

I'm having plastic surgery in April if all things go according to plan. The biggest hurdle to get past now is financing. We'll see if I can get credit for the surgery or not. With all the student loans and other debt I have it might be doubtful.

I figure when I know what it's going to cost me, I'll start worrying about it deeply.

Now there are other worries. Like what to get Zoe and A for X mas. Also.

I'm annoyed with google/blogger/yahoo and all it takes to get into this blog. Ugh.

Rock on, I'll post more as there is time.

Plastic Surgery

2008-10-19T12:26:00.003-04:00

Well there's a bit of a time cruch happening in my life right now.

I can't seem to want to make the time to do things that I used to do like being on line with lapbanded people. I used to like riding my bike. I used to like cooking....

Well I still like all those those things but there is little time for it.

I have been making committments for my time when I'm done with school which isn't that far away. I'm kind of scared that I'm over promissing what I can do.

But more to the title of this blog. I've seen a plastic surgeon about removing my skin. I think I need to see a second one about getting the skin gone just to compare the two. But getting to the first one was a bit of effort like everything in my life is right now. However, it is the smart thing to do, so I'll do it.

The good news is there's a bunch of weight which will be cut off of me in the way of skin...but the bad news is that the skin is going to be CUT off of me. OUCH! And it's going to be costly and painful....

So there is a quick entry. I'm looking into the surgery now. Maybe it will happen in April, maybe in June. Hopefully the sooner the better. ;)

Forgot I had this thing going

2008-08-28T22:20:00.003-04:00

Now that's something. How does one forget such a thing as having a blog???

Anyway, the weight has been slow to come off. School is taking a toll on most aspects of my life, like time to bike and exercise in general, and finding time to be social.

Of course, I see the GF and I make a point to play with my daughter but if you are not one or the other you can essentially kiss my time in your life goodbye. Okay, if you work with me and corner me in my office I'll talk to you too, but I really do try not to do too much of that either. As I see it, the more schoolin' I get done at work the more time I have for other things in my life. But wouldn't you know it, there is work to do too while I'm there. I have a sense of obligation to do that. Go figure.

But I worry a tad that I'm not going to make it down the home stretch of the weight loss on the optimal time frame. I'm trying to wrap my head around a less than optimal timeframe but that starts eating (ha, pun) into my other objectives...like getting a new job, buying a new house and moving into the very real Phase II, of the new and improved life of Juli.

But alas, there are always changes to plans...but still the original kind of goes like this: Get to 160 by January. Stay there for 6 months, get plastic surgery over the summer while work is slow and while I still work for the state and then move on. I'm about 25 away from 160 and I'm acting and eating like a woman who doesn't want to lose weight.

I need to start acting like losing weight is one of my highest priorities. I need to move it to the top of the list so I get it done like it needs to be.

This is me talking to myself. Is there a coach out there? Someone want to help psyche me up?

Looks like I need to go knock on a few doors of those I know who do that kind of thing.

Rock on.

Stalling

2008-07-17T09:12:00.002-04:00

I'm not stalling to keep from doing that I 'should' be doing, my weight is stalling. It has everything to do with how I'm not eating like I should. I'm really at a loss about how to get my eating back in line.

I mean overall I eat better than I ever did. And I blame the MBA for keeping me a bit overwhelmed...I am feeling accomplished in my life, it's just the food choices are easier to grab something quick than it is to grab something complicated.

But I do things like bake bread. Like a girl needs to be baking bread...so it's not about time. It's about flavor or just not caring. I dunno,

These are some random thoughts.

What's cool I'm going to be meeting someone who wants to chat about getting her business started. Kind of like a test "coach" thing for the both of us. I like that it's on the radar.

Okay, there's not really much to write. I'm just filling the obligation of at least one post a month. Who knew I'd run out ideas. But for real there just aren't any....

write more

2008-06-27T08:55:00.002-04:00

I'm stalling.

I have a test to take, two papers to write and a quiz.

I've got six hours to get it done.

I'm stalling.

I also need to workout, eat breakfast and eat lunch.

But I see that I'm not posting on here much at all. So apparently the best use of my time is to write more, right now.

I get a fill on Monday, I canceled my last fill before it happened. I'm a little scared because I am tight at times but other times, like in the middle of the day I can eat an entire sausage biscuit. Why I had a sausage biscuit in my world is another question to be answered, but I did and I ate it all!
But there are times like now I've been up for 3 hours and all I can get in me is coffee. I'll shoot for oatmeal in about an hour. It won't go down easily but it will go down. Then the gloves will come off and I'll be able to eat and eat and eat. Particularly if I go at it slowly and pick for an hour.
So with the fill comes the commitment to bring my food to work, to only spend 30 minutes a meal, to drink my water in between. to take my vitamins.

The good news is I'm working out appropriately. Could I do more? Physically probably, but there's no time in my life for more than an hour or a half an hour a day working out. So I do that and I feel okay about it. I might actually go for a longer bike ride next week, Tuesday. Woot.

Okay, time to hit the books!

Slacker

2008-06-18T19:36:00.002-04:00

I'm so not a slacker. I'm really very diligent, nearly always. My goal is to tie my diligence to some money making vehicle.

I'm on my way. You know, the book, the public speaking, the executive coaching.

Step one, get an MBA.
Step two, lose 180 pounds.

Step three get a new job.
Step four write a book.

Nothing to it. Not a thing.

The weight has started moving again, which is good. It has everything to do with my dedication to moving more, not eating less. I'm just not at the place where I can so no to offensive food easily. It will come again. I have a fill scheduled....

Life's okay. Busy but good. I'm blessed.

So Much the Same So Different

2008-05-17T18:47:00.002-04:00

I don't look like a fat girl any more. Well I look like a former fatty, we can spot each other, well pre-plastic surgery.

I've lost my membership to the fat girl club too. You know when you catch the eye of a similar sized person and you acknowledge each other. Yeah, I was looking across the room at this SMO woman and she looked right through me, didn't give me a second glance.

It didn't make me sad but it was noticeable. I just want to give a power to the people to the people who don't get much in the way friendliness. But can't force something like that, huh?

I was walking into a new gym last week and had to pump myself up and do all that positive self talk like you belong here, people aren't going to expect you to keel over and die in the first 5 minutes on the treadmill, it was odd. Then I got the mental picture, that whoa, I'm regular sized, I'll be just fine.

There's that stuff and then there's how do I get the last 60 pounds off? I was hankering for my original mojo and bemoaning that I just couldn't find it after months of trying. I correlated it to a relationship, you can only be new once. Then you grow it together. Most folks think of weight loss as a get it off then maintain it. It's impossible to feel the same way about something a year or 2 later.

Anyway thoughts to save for a later time.

DETOX

2008-04-21T00:04:00.002-04:00

Oh I love me some sugar. Give me all the sugar you can, simple carbs too. Pour the ketchup on it.

YUM, yum, yum.

It's actaully quite sad. I was just telling the GF I need to detox this week. I figure it's time. It's spring. I kept the weight loss going slowly durning the cold weather, but cycling is back. I want to see my goals met. If I don't get serious again it will never happen.

I find I'm full of advice for other people, but I need to apply it to myself.

Also, the birthday is passed. The cherry chip cake has been eaten and it's done. I'm going to purge the house tomorrow of the left overs from the party.

The good news is however, that at 40 I feel happier, healthier, sexier, and more in control of my life than I did at 30 and particularly at 20. I just wish my skin was as nice as it was at 20, but you can't have it all.

Things are busy which equals good. Will write more on the detox/purge as it happens.

One year later

2008-03-10T18:28:00.002-04:00

I was banded a year ago on Saturday. Happy Banniversary!

It's been an amazing year! I'm so happy I made the decision to be banded. I'm 112 pounds lighter than I was in January 07, and that's fantastic!

I'll be sharing more as I it comes into my head. There are times like today that I just don't feel up to blogging....you'll have that!

OHH ache EYE OHH

2008-02-09T20:15:00.000-05:00

OHIO, is waht that's supposed to mean.

The LBTers of Central Ohio got together today at Polaris mall and chatted about our experiernces with the process. There were about 12 people there, which was very cool.

I think I was further out than most of the women, (and one dude) so it felt like I talked too much. There's one or two people who are going to work hard to keep the group functioning and that's cool, because normally we know that Juli would be volunteering to contribute. I'll contribute by showing up. There is just no time.

I'm learning, Chris. I'm learning.

Well that brings me to the BMA, grad school problem. I'm not doing A work. Not for lack of trying, it's just that I don't seem to understand what is expected of me so I keep missing points here and there. I'm a solid B student at the moment and that's just no acceptable. It's kicking my ego's butt; and my ego isn't used to feeling dumb. I figure there's a solution out there, I just need to find it. If other people can get an A I can too. So part of my plan is a little more dedication and less slacking. TV is too much of a drawl and time eater. I've decided to tune it out again.

If I've not said this before, I know it sound sactamonious to say TV is evil, but holy cow it is. I love it though. I love everything about it. How I can go numb watching, how slick and beautiful commercials look, fun and moving story lines, social commentary in things like South Park and The Family Guy...I could go on. I love old movies too. Drool...TV....

But it's a soul sucker, time sucker of a lover and doesn't give you much back for all the you give it. So I'm kicking it out of my life again. It's hard though now with the DVR and the new TV going up in the bed room. GF asked for that and I want her to feel welcome here so GF is getting it.

Anyway, I realized that I've been posting here now over two years. Yee Haw and such. I can't recall how long I blogged on the last one, but this is cool.

BAM BAM

2008-01-28T12:26:00.000-05:00

Is this the time and place to journal? I’ve got piles of things to do on the list. Actually I have yet to make a list…that’s on my agenda as well.

I worked all weekend, many, many hours which is fantastic; I can pay some bills. School starts today. Grad school. My MBA. I’m scared. It’s easier to stand still paralyzed than to actually move forward. Of course the ticking of the clock and legitimate deadlines are going to drive me away from this frozen state but just not yet.

At least my weight is moving again. The GF and I decided to track our food and hold each other accountable for three days. We had three days of success. We’ve committed for the next three days as well. I’m not sure what’s inspired the new commitment if it is my one year surgery anniversary coming up and I’m not under 200 pounds or if I was feeling full of pity or anger about the skin.

The skin is hideous, horrible, ugly and just plain bad. The skin makes me sad when I look at myself and I know it’s only going to get worse. But it’s par for the course. I knew it was going to happen but I just hoped I would somehow be spared. No such luck. But talking luck or happiness I need to get perspective and that’s happening. Regardless of what was impeding me, I’ve pushed it aside and I’m doing much better. Still a little blue or could be a little tired, but it’s working its way out.

Three cheers to a half gallon of water and 1300 calories a day. Woo Hoo.

Deliberatly Eating Poorly

2008-01-24T21:20:00.000-05:00

Here's a new one for me.
I'm eating shit and I know it. And I don't like it but I continue to put the dry, foul tasting pop-tart into my maw. Chew, chew, swallow, ugh.

Do it again.

There's a problem and I need to find an answer. Well what does a reasonable girl do in this situation? Call her therapist? That's a little too histrionic for me so I call the best friend and hash it out with her. God love the best friend. She too is SMO, so she gets the fat girl issues without any explaining. She's been supportive through this entire process too, which is more than I could have asked for but absolutely expected. You know?

Anyway I admit to BF that it feels like I'm deliberately choosing to eat bad food. She says wow. When did you figure that out. "Just now" I answer. (Grammar question: is it okay to flip between conversational modes while writing? We do it talking...but I think not.) I mean today when I ate cookies and potato chips with dip I was saying to myself this is bad, bad, bad...but I did it anyway.

This evening when I grabbed a package of pop tarts on my way out the door from work, I thought this is really, really a new low. I ate most of it in the car ride home, throwing the crusts out the window. Will feeding the squirrels assuage my guilt? I called the BF to chat her up about the trip to Vegas and other Recent Developments and out popped the admission that I'm eating shit, deliberately.

She started probing me, asking all sorts of questions. Some about identity as a former fat-girl, some about how I'm feeling in my body now...which kind of hit home.

There's something new. I HATE how I look nude now. When I was my biggest I'd walk around more confident nude than I do now. When making love to the GF I notice my dropping skin and it causes me to want to shut down. I got over wanting to shut down when I was 300+, and I work through it in the moment now, but it's lingering and hurting on some funky level. And I don't see a short term solution. Long term there is plastic surgery in my future, but there's a solid year or more between here and there and I've got to make peace with this saggy skin.

BF suggested I celebrate liking how I look clothed, because I look pretty smokin' when dressed, but that doesn't feel like the right solution. Again I'm looking to make peace with it. Maybe a massage would be a good solution or buying some fancy lotion and caring for my skin/my self regardless of how it looks? I dunno...looks like something to take to the people on LBT.

Sleep is overrated.

2008-01-08T08:44:00.000-05:00

There is something to be said about on line forums for meeting other people with like interests.

I’ve meet a few folks from across the US from LBT, from Florida, California, Michigan and Indiana in the flesh.

I’m supposed to meet a woman in Las Vegas when we go in a few weeks. That should be fun. I don’t know when, considering me and the SO have a fun packed schedule with a canyon bike tour, shows, clubs, wine tasting and gambling. I don’t know when we are going to sleep? Who need sleep? Sleep is for wimps.

The truth of the matter is I don’t sleep much anymore and I don’t watch TV all the much, maybe a few hours a week, and typically it’s a rental movie. I feel like I have the life of two people. Like I’ve got time enough to do twice the recreational of the average person; you know the whole going to school full-time and working full-time thing.

I was telling the SO that I’m feeling really proud of myself right now. The 4.0 at school, losing weight consistently, running, Zoe is good and doing better, my relationship with the SO is fantastic. We just did a retreat to plan, “Our Best Year Yet.” I’m making new friends with the biking gals. Of course Ms Pragmatic told me to not get too comfortable because that’s when trouble happens. She’s right, it is…but I’m basking for a moment.

I’m working pretty hard at getting to 199. My official weight is 207 at this moment and really my average loss is about 5 pounds a month. So I should be seeing 199 by Valentine’s Day. I want to see it sooner. So I’m eating differently and I’ve kicked up the cardio, which means I’m actually doing cardio on my non-running days. I’m on the elliptical trainer after my strength training. I’m changing the strength routine too. But there’s a whole different post in that.

That’s enough for today. Over and out.

Stovetop Stuff

2008-01-04T15:05:00.000-05:00

Something I wrote on Lapbandtalk.com:

I feel the same way as you do about being tired of this process. But then I think this is not a process, this is my life. There are times when I get tired of my life too! :) Those are the times where a wait a week to pay my bills or I sleep a few extra hours instead of doing laundry...and when I take a breather from being hyper vigilant about food and exercise for a week or two.

The beauty part is, that I know after a small rest I'll get back to it. I'll pay my bills, I do my laundry and I'll take my health serious again. With the band I'm not going to fall away from caring for myself as long (years at times) as I used to AND while I'm on sabbatical I don't gain 10 or 60 pounds as I did in the past.

I expect there will come a time when weight loss/health isn't boiling high on my front burner, but I think it will always simmer on stove for the rest of my life, maybe on the back of the stove. I'll stir the pot occasionally but it will never be done. And to extend this metaphor even further...I've cooked the same recipe before but took it off the stove, put it in Tupperware, tossed in the back of the fridge and forgot about it until much later; later when I rediscovered the mold growing matter I couldn't even recognize what it once was.

HOLIDAZE

2007-12-26T21:17:00.000-05:00

Not original I know.

I think I'm waking from the food coma I've been in. Well, nearly. Today was good until I got home and ate enough for two people. Really, I say that but I don't eat half of what I used to.

The happiest news is that I am now sporting size 18 jeans. I'm a happy girl. I was in 18's when I graduated from high school. I don't know what I'm going to think when I get into 10's or smaller. I'll be beside myself. There hasn't been a time in my adult life when I was a 10 or smaller. It will happen though. It will.

:)

December's just whizzing by

2007-12-20T22:59:00.000-05:00

It's nearly Christmas and I've not bought much for my kid. I've made gifts, necklaces and jerky. I'll be making fudge too, because I can't seem to have enough shit food around me right now. Okay, maybe I'll go back to spiced nuts....but that's not the point of this post. The point is I've been busy, I'm eating poorly, I'm a wee bit stressed about money (more so than usual) and I want those things to change. I don't want to be so busy, and come January2nd I'll be good. The food thing is a out of control. It's not just that I work around food, but it's the socializing too. I don't even have lots of that to do...just a little and I still can't keep from eating a piece of the cake though it's small...I know I don't like the icing and the cake is dry..I made the damn thing (it was beautiful however). I still ate it. I started breakfast with cookies and biscuits and gravy. I had some weird pork byproduct for lunch...at least dinner wasn't a complete shame. I did get broccoli down though it was flooded in light ranch dressing.
I'm typing/writing in a manner that doesn't suit me either. Typically I'm a many brief paragraph writer...not this fucked up stream of consciencousness. I worry that work is going to read what I write and nail me for profanity. But I also know that I'm allowed to write what I want, especially if I'm not at work and it's not about work...but I worry. I worry about future employers reading my archaic blogs and seeing that I'm less than. Less than what I don't know, but less than the person they want to hire for hundred grand a year. Oh, and yeah, that's my benchmark. I want to make that before turning 45. I'll be forty in April and won't have my MBA until I'm 41, but I think it's a reasonable goal. Perhaps a stretch but so is running a half marathon and I think I'll do that in 2008 as well. I'm shooting for a 5K in February, maybe a 10K in the summer, so I think I should be able to do a half marathon in the fall. So long as injury doesn't get in my way.
Whew...........I need to get to bed. I'm going to have to edit this post too at a later date because leaving it like this makes me uneasy.

Night.

High School Boys

2007-12-06T18:36:00.000-05:00

I get coworkers giving me props all the time...but yesterday was the best one yet. I work at the state Deaf school. A high school boy who was hit by some real personal tragedy this year (brother committed suicide) has been walking around with his head bowed and really not communicating much. Well, yesterday he stopped me when no one was looking to say, "Noticed you've lost a lot weight, you look really great."
I said, "Wow, thanks. I've been working hard."
He said, "Great job" and "keep it up!” I got a huge smile from him too.

You know most kids are pretty self absorbed. I’ve had one chubby girl ask me what I was doing. I’ve had one sweetheart girl give me a huge hug and wow. I’ve had two gay boys, essentially say, “look at you!” But this boy has more reason than most not to be bothered with adults like me...so it just took me by surprise. His encouragement was so meaningful too.

I’m really awestruck at how much people are cheering me on.

I had SURGERY?! HELLO

2007-11-27T22:33:00.000-05:00

Have you ever kicked your own ass? Actually I was just writing on the LBT forum about the fact that I committed to losing weight January 1st, 2007 and I had lost 23 pound before surgery because I wanted to be 100% successful.

It's true. I did that. I thought that. I believed that.

My mantra was, "Eating like that won't get me to the goal I want." I thought that as I walked away from cakes, cookies, barbecued ribs. I politely excused myself from sweetly offered lunches out with the fellas. (In one of the nicest offers to grab lunch a maintenance man I work with asked me to join the guys for Tuesday wings. I said "no thanks".)

Today I ate like shit. I had corn chips and chicken nuggets. I ate some of a candy bar. I had a bagel with peanut butter. I didn't eat in a way that is aligned with getting me to my goals.

I lost sight of what it is I'm supposed to be doing with myself right now. For those of you not privy to the Strategic Plan of my life. 05-09 is about losing weight and getting my undergrad and graduate degrees. Also raising my kid, loving my SO who is in an adjoining state and working full time. There's being a president of a board and other commitments too. But really it's about living the life that I designed, not one that was pieced together from the remnits, left over from a unfocused childhood.

So in the process of dooling out solicited advice, I caught wind myself of my own words. I need to get my mantra back. I need to make the choices that get me to where I want to be. And low, I do believe I shall.

Drunk Dial

2007-11-20T21:25:00.000-05:00

Is it a "Drunk Dial" if everything is cool between you and your sweetie but she's calling you a bit tipsy?
Seems the SO is on a business trip and had a few martinis and the urge to chat. "Hello."

I'm amused. She delights me to no end.

Okay, about the damn band. Actually, the band is fantastic, but I need a fill. I was hoping to be the UBER rock star bandster and do this with few fills. I guess going for fill #2 at nearly 9 months out is few fills, huh?

My weight has slowed to about 5 pounds a month. I was so used to 10 pounds a month. Reason tells me that rate wasn't going to last, but damn it a girl had some expectations!

But when spring gets here I see me hitting the bike hard again. And there is, dare I write it down, so I commit, a 5K I'm shooting for in February. AP is going to run with me. We've become workout buddies. She finds me inspirational and I think she's pretty damn cool. We do Aron's kick ass workout twice a week and our own stuff other days. Yesterday we did it side by side and it was so much more encouraging. I'm giving her nutrition advice, not that I have the credentials, but hell, I'm a professional dieter. Oh and I do feed people so I know a little.

Thanksgiving is coming and I'm not stressed about what I'm going to eat or not eat. That's freakin' unreal. I'm excited to be cooking for the family. It's been a long time since I've entertained and I miss it so much.

The house is getting nicer and nicer, I'm about ready to start hosting dinner parties again. Well, when there's time...But I'm going to make it happen. I really love it.

Over and Out.

Between Classes

2007-11-04T19:26:00.000-05:00

I know this is about my weight loss, but really it's about my life and my life right now is very much about school and weight loss.

I've got one more class before I start graduate school. No, I don't have a BS, or a BA, but I am enrolled in an accelerated under + grad program at the local business college. Come August of 09 I'll have my MBA and a degree in Business Management. I've been at this for nearly 3 years solid. 20 months to go.

Anyway, this weekend has me between the last class and starting the next one. It's an unsettling feeling. I was very busy the last two weeks, that culminated in a few very large papers. And now I have the lull where I'm worried about what it is I will be learning next. I do well, I will do well but I'm disquieted.

Learned to put inner tubes on my road bike today. God love Miss J and her willingness to do anything bicycling related, like lessons in November in my cobweb decorated basement.

I did get a BodyBugg, which is a calorie counting device that I wear all the time. I log my calories consumed at the same site and get a comparison about what kind of deficit I'm hopefully running at. Way cool.

The weekend was filled with friends and cooking, two things I don't spend much time on these days. Being between classes there was time in the schedule and that's a wonderful thing.

Wow three times a week.

2007-10-26T14:16:00.000-04:00

There's some real work avoidance happening here.

I ordered a Bodybugg this week. I can't wait to get it. I think it will inspire a renewed diligence to recording my food and working these freaking pounds off of me.

I've got a huge paper due on Sunday, an work audit in a week and I can't pull away from the here and LBT. That's some stuff considering.

Going out tonight with old friends. I know there will be drinking involved. I hope not to over do it. And that means more than 2 because ol' Juli here is light weight when it comes to drinking. But I'm going out with drinkers...and you know, when in Rome.

Between now and then I'll be spending 2 hours in the gym. All is good.

Better Still

2007-10-23T22:25:00.000-04:00

Today was better and hopefully tomorrow will be better still. I stayed away from the coffee, though I did have some dark chocolate, but it was at night, not at my desk and it was thoughtful, not just cause.

I worked out hard today. I will again tomorrow. I've had this goal to go to a boxing gym and give it a try. That's supposed to happen on Saturday, but I've yet to call. I'm acting all chicken. It's not because of my size, it's just my discomfort doing new things. I like my life calm and steady. (That's how she got my attention.)

I did go and get fitted for running shoes today though. I'd like to say my time on the treadmill felt like I was floating on air. But I forgot a sports' bra and was too busy holding my boobs while running to notice my feet. Good thing I was alone in the gym, otherwise I'd probably given running a pass today. But the one minute on and one minute walk is working out fine. Just fine.

I was unusually tired today too. I actually took a nap after work. That was delightful. Now of course I'm wide ass awake but I have reading to do that will surely put me to sleep. Off to do that now.

Fun, fun.

October October

2007-10-22T22:22:00.000-04:00

Ugh.
My eating isn't focused at all. Today I actually pulled my head out of my ass for a minute and got away from eating sugar and coffee. It's like if I allow myself coffee in the morning it's all over for the day. Well that's how it feels at the end of they cycle. I'll go a few weeks with out coffee, drinking tea etc. Then I buy a coffee, be it Starbucks or at work and the next thing you know I'm drinking it everyday, then I'm having two and that's a good 200 calories because I like it creamy...so then it's easier to let the chocolate slide in.

I'm hoping I can do it tomorrow as well. Really I need to do a little better tomorrow again. I know I'll be working out like a maniac tomorrow and Wednesday. Lord I hope a lose a few pounds between the old head out of the ass and eating better....

I've lost my manners

2007-10-02T11:27:00.000-04:00

I was just eating some scrambled eggs at work, at my desk, and the texture was off, too hard, so with out thinking I spit it back on to my plate.

I didn’t even think someone might be looking. The second the food hit the plate I look up with a line of spit from my lip still attached to the yucky little pile, just to catch a co-workers’ eye.

Nice.

That’s right, I might be getting all sexy-fine as another co-worker calls me. But that, that was really hot. I'm so proud.

Fifty Percent

2007-10-01T10:05:00.000-04:00

I've lost half of my weight I'm intending on losing. That means I'm down 90 pounds. It is a lot of weight to lose, the 90 but more so the 180.

I've been glued to LBT and I'm not sure why. I'm feeling the weight loss is more real, but visualizing the out come has become increasing difficult. I really try not to think about it.

Yesterday, A offered to do some kind of celebration when I get to my goal. I hadn't thought about that. I've thought about the party I want when I get done with school, but not the weight...hmmmm

So while biking my 32 miles later in the day I pondered this, because it felt weird. I think it has to do with school being finite. Being morbidly obese, (MO) will never end, it's an illness I'll recover from but having an eating disorder will be something I will always have to manage, it will never end.

That's a new thought. I know there's help out there for people managing long term illnesses and I think that's my next avenue to explore. It doesn't make me sad, nor does the thought of never getting away from my eating issues make me want die. Once upon a time, I'd probably just bury the thought under a pile of food and forget the feelings. But you know, I've become the girl of no excuses. Now that I see the MO in a different light, like never ending, but manageable, I'm going to have to pick that a part.

It doesn't feel like an epiphany either. It just seems like yet another descriptor of myself, like green eyes and cute feet. Girl with illness. Hell, anyone who looked/s at me knows there's something a miss. Funny I'm just now seeing it in that way. And managing an illness is better than being on the end of the tail. You know the end of long tail flails around, not really sure which way it wag. Managing is at the base and there may be some movement but the arc isn't nearly as wide.

I need to clean up metaphor. I know what I mean.....ha!

Well, there's that.

Montly?

2007-09-24T15:40:00.000-04:00

Am I moving to monthly posts?

I've just been super busy. I think I get to breathe a minute here soon.

I've been over booked. Who ever said fat people are lazy never met me. I always have too many things going on.

What's cool to report now is that I have a trainer. A free trainer so I'm not sure how long she'll last but I'm happy to be working with her. Her name is Renee. I'm not all spiritual, or anything but I was struck with her appearance when she crossed my path as if she were sent there to help me over my 'blahs' about this whole weight loss process.

I've been burning things pretty hard and it seemed as if I had to loosen some of my structure around how I'm doing the weight loss stuff. Journal less, exercise less, just stop being rigid. But low and behold someone offers to work with me and encourages my progress, it's just impossible to say, "How about later?"

Yeah!

And I met other LBTers in Fort Wayne this weekend for a bike trip. They were cool. Two women and a guy. The ride was beautiful and the humor was thick. I think we hoped to connect a little better than we did, but all in all, they were good people and enjoyable.

2007-08-23T20:18:00.000-04:00

Did I talk about my first fill? It was done under fluoro 6 days ago. Eating is way different now. I have to keep it a bit squishy still. I tried some straight up chicken breast and had a huge PB. So I make everything a little saucy now.

The teachers came back from summer brake and have been full of praise. It' makes me happy. I say I've worked hard to lose this weight but it doesn't feel like work. I've just changed my priorities and it feels right. I miss biking when I don't get out there enough, like yesterday and today would have been biking days but I was too busy with school yesterday and today it was too hot to be outside at 5pm. I've got a ride Saturday morning planned. So there's that.

A wee bit funky about school but that's getting better. Work was stellar today and that's more rare than I can say.

Peace lovelies.

1st Fill

2007-08-18T18:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I got my first fill. I'm a little late to the game, typically they happen at 6 weeks and I'm at 5 months post op. Go ahead, call me a rock star. My surgeon does.

Yesterday, he said that he sees me dropping my next 50 pretty quickly. I hope he is right.

I've not had any issues with the fill so far. It's just as I expect. I'm not eating solid food just yet so I don't know really how it's going to go, but the mushy stuff is going down and that's really the bigger issue at this very minute. I'm able to drink enough while riding not to get dehydrated either.

My schedule is a bit crazy this session at school. I'm not traveling to see the GF until the end of the quarter. Though she is coming down here for Labor Day, probably. We have a giant bike ride to do that weekend too. Yippie.

I'm loving the biking. I'm glad I've found a sport that I can do and continually challenge myself on. You know I can increase milage, rates of speed or hills to constantely improve.

I'm going to be getting a trainer in November I believe. Then come February I'm going to start running. Maybe I'll start running sooner. I wonder outloud and to myself how running will mix with biking. It's just something I want to do and need to figure out benchmarks to reach for. CRAZY.

Off to get something squishy to eat then to the movies with Neal. :)

hmmmmmmmm

2007-08-11T17:42:00.000-04:00

Not feeling it too much right now.

The weight not moving for a solid month is frustrating beyond words. At first I think it was a natural plateau, but then added to it was the notion I could eat more because I cycle...well I got busy with my insane school schedule and I didn't exercise as much (though still around 4 times a week) and the weight wasn't budging.

Then just recently the vacation kept losing at a distance. Perhaps it was those ice cream cones and bottles of wine? Bagels every day at breakfast? Very few vegetables? The GF came out worse than me, she gained 6 pounds. Tisk, tisk...

Anyway, I get a fill on Monday and I'm getting my ass back on the bike tomorrow. Plus my schedule with school isn't nearly as demanding this session. I am in the class room for the first time and it will take away one of my biking nights, but I can still hit the gym everyday. And really, that's the key. Consistency.

Also, I'm going to get on here or somewhere and realign my thinking with my goals...got to do more than modify my behavior, I've got to engage the cognitive piece too.

Aside from all that the vacation week has been a blast and I still have one more day. And really, eating all kinds of shit that I wouldn't normally let pass my lips was fun and interesting. Fun in that it tasted good, but interesting because I felt like shit regularly and I used to feel like that all the time. I nearly forgot how miserable too much food makes one feel.

Va Kay Shun

2007-08-07T16:00:00.000-04:00

On vacation in P-Town. What a happy, queer place to be. Me and the GF are having a good time.

Eating could be better, we are having wine often and sweets here and there and simple carbs at breakfast at times but all in all we are doing okay. Yesterday we rented bikes and today we walked our asses to the gym to get a great cardio workout. We also walked a bunch...so I'm not to freaked about the food.

Well I can't step on the scale, but before I left home I was on a three week plateau! I was stressed with a rough session at school, taking two classes in stead of one, (One is full time as these classes are accelerated). And getting work situated so I could leave for a week....and I'm at about the peak of my ability to work this band without a fill....so I did what a smart girl should do. I called the doctor and made an appointment for Monday to get my first fill. It's been 5 months since my surgery. I believe it's time.

Wow a month...

2007-07-30T23:05:00.000-04:00

It's been an entire month and no blogging. Could it be my insane school load this session? I'm blaming that for everything else like the plateau from hell, to forgetting appointments, to being a grumpy pain in the ass.

Excuses work for me.

The plateau is the longest one to date. I've been flitting between 241 and 239 for three weeks. THREE FREAKING WEEKS!!!

I've been biking like crazy too. I get either 50+ or 100+ miles a week depending on my Zoe schedule. But I've also been eating more because the doctor said I could because I bike...and I'm wasn't strength training so much.

Well, that changed today. I'm at about 1100 calories today and I got in the gym for a full hour. That's 30 on the elyptical and 30 strength training. I noticed the last few days my back feeling sore and pulling. I know it's because I laid off the exercising, so that got me motivated today. That and the stuck scale, and when I went into the fitness center a pal was in there and she encouraged me to stick it out and do my whole routine.

It's strange, I usually LOVE the strength part and don't care for the cardio....

Anyway, I bike with a group of lesbians on the weekends and that's been super cool. My regular, get it done route is 20 miles now, which amazes me, considering 20 miles royally kicked my ass 2 months ago. I tried to set some heavy duty goals for the fall, but real life is getting in the way, I have to work a weekend A and I were going to shoot for 62 miles...so I've let go of the competitive thing with biking I was doing to myself. That's nice actually...my stress level is a bit high from the classes...

Whew...

So here I am.

2007-06-28T23:05:00.000-04:00

They'd call this being stuck. I'm stuck in a rut, on a plateau, not feeling the diet part of this endeavor and just plain down.

I've not lost any weight in over ten days. I actually need to look and count the days, it could be longer. I've eaten more than typical, but I still should be due a loss shortly. I'm certainly eating fewer than 2000 daily and I still exercise. But today's bike ride was rained out. I did do some strength training though.

Tomorrow, I'll spend an hour on the cardio equipment and this weekend I'll spend at the pool with Zoe. Also I'll be doing some yard work. It's my goal to keep the calories super low this weekend, considering I'm not going for a big bike ride again until Tuesday.

I've taken to eating more on bike days and today I got burned. Then I just wanted to eat whatever I could find. Maybe I do need a fill.

I see Dr. Mikami on the 8th, I think it's the 8th, and if I'm feeling then like I am now I'll see about the fill.

On another note, I'm feeling pretty good about my relationship with A. and I'm feeling good, but stressed about my school work load. Oi.

I think I've got a picture worth posting, I'll see if I can get that up.

Later

So much...

2007-06-26T15:50:00.001-04:00

I haven't gone for my first group ride. My last post said that I was going to, but it rained and I stayed home.

I am shooting for one tomorrow that I believe will challenge me. Yesterday I went out on my own and did 25 miles. My goal is to get to 100 miles a week. It's rather hit or miss if I get out or not right now.

But school is getting harder this session too. I'm in two classes, not one. It's excellerated so, there's a lot of work to do. And that freaks me out a bit. I know I just need to wrap my head around the work load and I'll be fine.

Went to Pride in Chicago this past weekend. Aside from one dessert (flourless chocolate cake), bagels for breakfast and lots of alcohol I did okay.

!

I was surprised the scale didn't yell at me this morning. But I'm back on the program today. I figure it's not defining, if you fall off, but how and when you get back on. I feel pretty good about my choices to eat how I ate. I knew it wasn't fantastic, but there are times when fantasic just isn't going to happen.

Although I am a bit scared for when we go to P-Town in August. I'm really going to have a plan in place before hand so as not to get too out of control. A weekend is one thing, a full week will be harder to get back aligned.

I'm looking cute and tan. I need to get a pic up soon.

kisses.

BIKE

2007-06-18T10:04:00.000-04:00

So I bought a new road bike. The kind with skinny tires and the curved handle bars. I spent some real cash on it too. But I'm stoked.

I've also happened upon a group of lesbian cyclists who've welcomed me into their ranks. One of the leaders even helped me when I purchased my bike.

I'm riding with them tomorrow!!! I'm going out tonight, shooting for a solid 20 miles. Tomorrow's ride is 18 minimally. Buy the first of August I want to be up to 50 miles! What a fantastic goal!

And now, so you know, I am still with out a fill and I am still dropping 2.5 pounds a week. Yeah, baby...I should also be around 230 come August 4th, when we leave for Ptown.

I'm feeling good and like this. (This week...there are times when I'm not so hot about the whole damn thing, but that passes quickly!)

xo

6 mos of goals

2007-06-05T12:03:00.000-04:00

250 pretty damn soon
230 September 1st. I'll only have 100 pounds to go.
223 October 1st. I'll have lost 50% of the excess weight.
213 November 1st. I'll have lost 100 pounds
199 before the end of the year!

I'll keep you posted!

Groggy and Tired

2007-06-05T11:53:00.000-04:00

This is supposed to be about my weight loss, this here blog. But I'm in a bit of a haze.

I drank some wine last night, fell asleep okay, but awoke at 3:30 and fought to get back to sleep. I'm fighting with my GF in my head...

The wine/lack of sleep has me just moving through my day.

But let me talk about my weightloss... I was SHOCKED when I drop yet another pound this morning. Particularly because the wine and mussels and bread I ate yesterday...did I tell you it was delicious?! It's my goal now to take myself out once a month to a restaurant that has a chef and a wine list. I don't typically eat out much at all these days and this is so much more enjoyable than eating at some chain, e.g., applebees, fridays a few times a month. And I was out with George an old friend...he had me laughing most the night.

The grogginess is well worth it.

Goal Setting

2007-05-29T19:39:00.000-04:00

The things I'm getting obsessed over are like setting goals and figuring where I'll be at the time, what I might be doing and so forth.

Like 226 will be 50% of my weight off. If I lose 10 pounds a month that should be the first of September.

I should be in Onederland around Thanksgiving. I should also be a size 20.

I feel a little out of control trying to find other avenues to press the weightloss thought process. It's so in the front of my mind. I know that's where it needs to be and I'm happy it's there, but I'm afraid I'm overly focused.

This too needs to go on my list of things to discuss with Chris. She is my therapist.

I started seeing her when I went through the break up 5 years ago. That lasted less than a year, I think. Or about a year.

Then when I decided to get this surgery, I knew there would be a psych evaluation and I wanted to get my thoughts in order about why I eat the way I do/did so I called her up to poke around my brain again.

Working on that stuff is the key to my success. I know it. She keeps me on point and gives be props for my moments of clearity. I'm so very grateful for that.

The other issue that's been getting at me is being awfully sad/angry with myself for allowing myself to get as heavy as I got. I know that's a "would've-should've" but it still doen't keep the pissy attitude from happening...

But I feel unstoppable. I know I am unstoppable. I am the only one who will get in my way and I'm done doing that.

Well there you go, Happy Tuesday.

Weekend Update

2007-05-28T19:27:00.000-04:00

I spent the weekend with the GF at her place and we did pretty good with food and exercise.

It was supposed to and did rain all day Saturday and Sunday and the goal was to ride bikes. We instead did that on Friday once I arrived. It was impromtu but good. She had steaks, asparagus and king crab legs on the menu for dinner. It was delicious.

Saturday we took off for a local gym where we paid for a daily pass and worked our little buns off. It was pretty cool. I love that she is so supportive. We went back home to cook lunch instead of fighting for food that would work in a restaurant. I felt victorious, not dejected like I didn't get to eat out. --we did go to a steak house for dinner--I wanted chicken.

But it was all so very nice and good. The bad side of the weekend is that it ended a little early. She had a family emergency to tend to later on Sunday. I was planning on leaving at 6pm instead I left at noon. When I get to see her more often than once a month it feels like we are more real, not just visiting in each other's lives.

We do talk EVERYDAY and I do feel very connected to her, but it's rare that I can fold her laundry or restock the TP. Funny how that's comforting. Regular just feels nice.

Oh, and I've dropped 9 out of the 10 pounds with one week to go until I meet that goal. I know I will and so I shall remain fill less for another month.

Peace

Self Leadership

2007-05-23T10:29:00.000-04:00

So, I'm in school full-time while I also work full-time. I'm a single mom with a 5 year old. I'm also, kicking my own ass to lose weight.

I ROCK.

And here's why. I feel like for the first time in my life I'm reaching goals set by me. I'm subject to other's timelines, like how long it will take to graduate, but I'm doing the work.

As for the weight loss I, for a change, don't feel put upon. I don't feel like I must only eat so many calories or I must workout for so many minutes. I feel like I am choosing to eat less and work out more because that will get me to my goals. And those goals aren't about looking cuter, but that's a side benefit, but goals tie back to providing for my daughter on many levels.

If I weight less:

I can play more. She's not always going to want to play with me. I've got to do it now.
I can make more money. Yeah, it sucks that society says fat people are less than skinny people, but I live in this society and I don't get to make the rules. I can do more for her than what was done for me. I grew up as part of the working poor. Don't get me started.
I can live longer. My health getting better with every day and I want to feel good until the day I die. I know I might live long as a fat woman, but the quality of life the last decade or so will be dramatically affected by excess weight.

Really keeping the focus internal, not thinking this is something I've got to do because someone else says I should is key to being able to do this forever.

Or so I believe.

Whew

2007-05-21T21:49:00.000-04:00

I don't know that I've really got much to 'whew' about. I've been working out and eating pretty well. I've come to realize that I can't graze or I'll over eat by the day's end.
I'm pretty good about watching when I eat and not going to crazy with the snacking.
Most interestingly I've given up much of the red meat I was eating. Not because it's unhealthy, but because I want to get the most food for my 1400 calories I get a day. I've been eating scads of fish so much so that I'm worried about mercury. I need to get on line and research about what's too much or if farm raised is better than wild. Also, I'm making more chicken. I forgot about chicken! Actually it's one of my least favorite meats...but I'm trying it new ways.

Anyway, just checkin in and it's going pretty well. Banded March 8th and still fill less. I'm hoping to go a good 6 months before needing a fill .

Peace.

Happy Birthday

2007-05-15T15:29:00.000-04:00

Not to me, but to the GF. She's with her mom as they share the same birthdate. So Happy Birthday, baby.

I'm having a hard time today with food and feeling a bit out of sorts. I want to test my band to see if it's really there. WTF is that about?

I didn't feel up to doing much in the gym at work today either. I typically put in a good 1+ daily. Not today. I did 30 minutes of walking on the tredmill. I walked backwards for a few too, but that's as challenged as I got.

I had to go to Whole Foods today for my boy. I feed a kid with some SERIOUS allergies and so I go about every 3 weeks to get his food. I picked up stuff for me too and it just made me want to eat everything. Or it is that I miss things I'll never really dig my teeth into again. I CAN be a complete person having never eaten Kettle's Spicy Thai chips, right? The cheese counter there had me drooling.

No don't pity me. I'm working on the stuff and most days it doesn't bother me. Today it does. Tomorrow I'll be my stellar self.

Weekend

2007-05-13T22:50:00.001-04:00

So my calories are up for yesterday and today and I'm dealing with it pretty well. They are up like 1800 yesterday and 1500 today, so it could be worse, but it's blowing my stats for the week. I want to measure my activity on Fitday like I do my calories so I can get a better sense of where I can make small changes.

The GF is doing lots to get in shape too. Our weekend had us biking together for the first time and working out at the hotel fitness center. It makes me happy she's right there at my side working on herself too. We are equally rigid in our take toward this.

But she's the reason my calories were up yesterday. She ordered an ice-cream and I said make it two. Duh. Such a bad choice. Really I know it's my choices.

All in all it was a nice weekend.

holy crap

2007-05-09T16:04:00.000-04:00

I've reread some of my posts from eons ago and I'm feeling like, "wow, you've come a long way."

And I have.

The first of the year had me journalling my food on fitday.com. I was eating upwards of 4000 calories a day. No kidding. I cut back to 2500, then to 23oo, then to 1700 before surgery in March. Some people can go cold turkey but that would have killed me to have the sugar/bread cravings at the same time healing from the surgery.

Now I'm around 1400.

Since January I've lost one pound shy of 50. That's not so bad considering it's been 4 full months. My goal is 10 pounds a month.

Should I miss the 10 pound monthly marker I'll get my first fill. There's a huge post on that I'm sure I pour out later.

But all in all I'm back to being a gym rat. Which is fun and I feel great. I feel fit and energetic and like I'm never going to stop. The GF is working out too, eventhough she's in MI, we talk daily about how we are changing to be more healthy.

I did reveal my weight to her. For the last 2.5 years we had a running joke, or understanding, that I would tell her my weight when she told me her income. She makes ass loads of money and is on the regular size of things. I make little money and on the big size of things. Anyway, with the surgery and all the talk, I got tired of talking around the numbers, so I told her. I braced myself and said, "okay, what do you make?" She replied, "You really don't want to know." And I guess I don't. It's only a number.

And she's paying for vacation in August!

Later all.

Getting back into the game

2007-05-09T15:46:00.000-04:00

We'll see how much of this I write about.

I've been banded. Years later it's happened. March 8th as a matter of fact.

I'll do more. Trying to get the picture thing down.

This would be a before pic.

APPROVED!!!!!!!

2006-11-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

I got insurance approval yesterday afternoon for my surgery!
I didn't sleep a wink last night. Really it was 2am when I last looked at the clock. I get up at 6:30.

Regardless, I'm a happy girl.

If things go as scheduled I'll be having the surgery on December 19th. I'm learning not to put too much stock in the time frame others give me. But I do hope that's the day. It will fit my life perfectly. I'll be done with school for the quarter. Work will be closed the second week of my recovery. (I plan on being off work for 2 weeks.) And my initial week back to work will be quiet, because most the staff and all the kids will be gone. I can't be happier.

I also want to take a minute to acknowledge that this isn't going to be easy, and I know that. I want to be successful and I'm putting things into place to make sure that I am. I'm working out 4 to 5 days a week now. I plan on continuing that. I'm not so sure how my energy level will be with a liquid diet, but I'll make sure to get the right stuff in me to keep moving forward. I'm continuing with counseling as I go through this too. I know the emotional stuff can and will drag me down if I don't keep on top of it.

Not having coffee for 6 months is going to be the worse part of all of this. I say that now, having only had 4.5 hours of sleep.

gotta get the pic thing situated

2006-11-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

Apparently I need to figure out how to do the picture thing on here.

My case is under review with the insurance company. I should have an answer with 2 weeks. I don't know how quickly after that I'll get to have my surgery. This has been quite a year. If I were going to give up on the idea I'd have done it already.

But I have no desire to give it up.

I've been working out the last two weeks. One more week and I'll desire working out more than I'll desire sitting on my ass. But my body is hurting a bit. It's not too bad...actually it's rather cool to feel like I'm getting stronger already, or have having the ability to do a full 30 minutes of cardio.

A gave me an iPod for our anniversary. I LOVE IT! For working out it's the best thing ever. I'm trying to comprise my workout play list. I've got some stuff on there, I need to buy more music, but I'm cheaping out. I need to figure out the P2P sharing stuff. As you can see I need to get a bit more technically savvy.

It will happen. No doubt.

Well, soon I'll be posting before pictures. I'm actually going to take them wearing my bathing suit, which is astonishingly brave. But what the hell. It's an education. People need to know what fat women look like.

Kisses.
Jae

2 weeks

2006-09-18T19:26:00.000-04:00

Been six months and two weeks to be sure. I called the docs and gently reminded them to send in the info to the insurace wranglers. I did that on Friday. Gonna call tomorrow to see that is was done.

The insurance wrangler or wench or HBIC said I should expect about 3 weeks for my insurance company to come back with a decision, then getting on his schedule to have the surgery shouldn't take much time at all. With the caveate that he may want me to have more tests done, but probably not.

I plugged the C-pap machine back in last night. The insurance woman said they'll want me to have been on it for weeks. I of course have had the machine for months but I hate using it, and I don't use it consistantly. But that too is changing.

So speaking of change I'm faced with the fact that I need to change how I eat now. Not later. I know that will change too, but I've got to get some control over how I put food in my mouth. It's irrational the way I eat. So here's to tomorrow being a better, more controlled day. No giant portions and no free for all when it comes to food.

Alison is making me a little scared about doing this too. But that her shit. She keeps saying that she's worried she won't find skinny me as attractive as chubby me. But there's balance with that too, she says it's me that she loves, the inside stuff. The package isn't all that important. How many fat chicks would love to hear that from their partners? Lucky I guess.

Later darlings.

Six months are up...

2006-09-05T23:54:00.000-04:00

Today was the last of my six months of doctor supervised visits. Yea Haw.

Can't say the PCP was all that enthused or encoraging. I'm frustrated with her almost to the point of wanting to switch. How can a fat girl get good doctoring from a doc who doesn't get that fat happens because of bigger issues other than lack of self control.

Anyway, items from her and the shrink need to be sent to the insurance collectors and then I will wait to hear for approval from Med Ohio.
Then I wait to hear from the clinic.
Then I get a surgery date.
Then I get it done.
Then I recover.
Then I move forward, with this little tool under my belt, literally....that will have me at a better weight and living a longer life.

Or so that's what I'm thinking right now.

Almost July

2006-06-28T23:20:00.000-04:00

So I see the doctor next week, then in August and lastly in September. That will wrap up the six months of doctor supervised dieting.
HA! Dieting is a joke.
I've been eating poorly and feeling poorly for it.
Truth be told I have no real moitvation for dieting right now. Playing in the back of my mind is that soon enough I will have no choice in the matter and I will be eating right for the rest of my life. I so want to do the bandster thing correctly, I don't see me fudging it, eating around the band. That's not my style.

I was rereading a few of my posts here and realize that I was writing shortly after the Big Giant Fight in February. The girl and I made up, made things better, are moving forward. One thing that came fromt he BGF is I fought back, verbally. That gained me some sort of credit in her eyes. This weekend I said something jokingly, about not giving me grief, cuz I'd fight back. She replied that she knew that and I was her equal. It's fucked up, but the girl values a toe to toe arguement and I gave her what she values so I got me some cred.

But more importantly she told me she knew the surgery was coming up and she wasn't sure how to talk to me about it, how to react to my changing body and basically wanted to know what I expected from her. Can you say, "awe shucks?" I told her to keep it positive but don't say anything she didn't mean and to love me through the process. Knowing her, I think she'll do just fine.
Off to bed.

Holy Cow

2006-05-08T13:26:00.000-04:00

Now this is a long time between posts.
What can a girl say. I've not felt much like writing. The weight loss issues are there, being dealt with. I suppose the lack of writing or the lag time has everything to do with the timeline I'm dealing with to getting the band.
In January I called for an appointment. That didn't happen until February. In March I realized I needed to do 6 months of dieting under the doctor's supervision. In in month 3. Still fat, still not doing much to change my habits.
But I am going to therapy. Today was the 5th session since the end of March. There are some great connections to food and my relationship with it. Very complex---to very simple. Sometimes a cookie is just a cookie...but sometimes that cookie offers love, understanding, validation, consolation and care when there was no one else to give it to me.
Then there's that was then and this is now and the need to adjust how I let my past influence my present and my future. All in all, progress.

Maybe not on the scale, but in my head and that is measurable at least to me, and that makes me feel good.

I plan on using this blog for a photo journal of sorts too as I move forward in this journey. So hold on.

Been a minute

2006-03-17T11:40:00.000-05:00

It's been a wee bit since I posted because of finale's week. That's done. Thank god.

Since last I wrote here, I decided Byetta wasn't going to be part of my tool box. However the choice really wasn't mine to make. My PCP did some blood work, to check my cholesterol, sugars, thyroid etc, things that would indicate that I was pre-diabetic or had metabolic syndrome and come to find out I don't have any indicators, at all.

So yeah! I'm healthy. I'm fat and healthy but that's why the surgery is going to be fantastic for me.

I'm still gung ho about it. I've got my appointments set until September. I'm seeing the psychologist shortly to work on my food issues and I've got my CPAP machine. So hopefully that will allow me to get better rested and better prepared to take on this giant monster of eating disorder.

The upcoming posts are really going to be more about what's going on in my head than about the WLS process. I do want to dig into why I eat like I do and why I feel the way I feel about myself. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Strangely enough the personal stuff. The real up close and private stuff about me the girl up north are on the other blog. There may come a time I'll have to blend the two. But for now, this is about my relationship to food and body. That one is about my relationship I have with my heart and the people I love.

K, enough said.

Adjusted

2006-03-03T13:16:00.000-05:00

So I've adjusted my thinking and my time line. The surgery will happen. Absolutely. It's just going to be 6 months later than I thought.

There's plenty to do between here and there. I've scheduled every one of my appointments with the PCP. But there is school and the house and work and living and I can't let this thing get set me back. And I wont.

Looking at careers, what is the best direction to take my change. Market Manager might be the ticket.

Upbeat, Fat and still very happy.

whoa

2006-02-28T09:49:00.000-05:00

Put the breaks on.
Not so fast.

This isn't going to happen until November, the best I can tell.

Apparently I need 6 months of doctor supervised non surgical dieting before I'm able to submit for precertification for my actual surgery. Add 2 months of paper work and processing, it looks like around Thanksgiving I'll be doing this.

I annoyed and hurt and frustrated.

I'm annoyed no one made mention of this to me until now, two months after I started looking into things. I guess I could have been more proactive, looked at the website to get the criteria, and call my doctor. I'm hurt that the man with the giant mouth, I mean that literally, the man-the patient counselor-the person whom I am to direct all my questions and concerns at Barix-has too many teeth in his mouth or something. They overwhelm his face...Anyway he told me to expect to have the surgery in 90-120 days from the time of my consultation. That would be April to June. Not FREAKING November.

And I'm frustrated. Just because. I know I've gone years being fat. I just saw this as a solution that would have me being healthier sooner rather than later.

And yeah, a girl can diet. I'm gonna be dieting but then how successful do I really want to be, or can I be? It seem counterintuitive if you ask me. But what the fuck ever.

I have an appointment Monday with my PCP, we're going to start her supervised weightloss process. That should be painful just from the prospective that I will have ZERO buy-in in the process. Just biding my time.

And don't get me wrong. I've been working out, I've been thinking about better choices...I do this shit regularly...I just know me and I know why I want the Band. It keeps a girl from over eating or emotionally eating...things that make me fat.

How badly do I want to bury myself in a pile of comfort food right this very minute?

Bitches. Really.

Sleep Study

2006-02-23T23:25:00.000-05:00

I didn't sleep.

I tossed and turned and woke before I was awakened.
There were 24 wires attached to me, most in my scalp. I felt like Medusa.

I came home, took a shower to get all the gunk out of my hair and hit the sheets. At home, I slept for 4 hours. Then I got myself to work.

Today I told Miss H and Miss B that I was signing up for the surgery. It felt nice, like I was done hiding a secret from my friends.

The girlfriend and I are talking and relating and loving on each other like we're going to mend.

But my world is full. Not overly concerned if we don't, but rather hoping that we do.

Night.

Boo Hoo

2006-02-20T15:18:00.000-05:00

We broke up yesterday.

Part of my words were, "my life is messy and you don't like messy." And really, my life is pretty tame. I'm a single mom, work full-time and I'm back in college full-time. I work everyday toward my plans and goals to make my trip on this planet the best experience I can have. Daily I am grateful for this little life of mine. My pending banding is part of meeting important personal goals. I want my daughter to have an active, healthy mom.

I can't help but think my sweetie or ex-sweetie can't handle that I'm signing up for surgery and that's a huge part of our fight. She hasn't said anything derogatory but is noticeably disquieted when I talk about the details and changes that are required with the band. I'm relatively stable emotionally, but I can't deny that dealing with a lifetime of fat issues is surfacing now. I think that while waiting for the band to get approved by my insurance is a great time to unravel the ugly emotional knots of my obesity. I’m not medicated for emotional issues, I have been in the past and there are times when I think it might not be a bad idea now. But those are passing thoughts. I honestly think I’ve got a decent handle on what makes me tick. I just thought I was with someone who could handle me a little unfiltered and raw.

I was wrong and I'm sad.

But I'm lucky my support, my family and friends are looking out for me and loving me and will see me through all of this.

And no, I will not reconsider getting my band. I have to live in this body. I have do all that I can to be healthy and I know the band is going to be a great tool in getting there.
And, yeah I came home a day early, so what did I do with my holiday? I took myself to the gym and spent an extra hour reacquainting myself with strength training. It was on my list for Wednesday. Like I said I have a plan.

Am I Lazy?

2006-02-16T11:22:00.000-05:00

I write that for a few reasons.

I'm giving this address out to more and more people, because I don't feel all that inclined to call everyone and tell them the most recent information. I figure:

many birds-one stone

~OR~

many friend-one blog

But the idea that having a c-pap machine or even the actual surgery will give me more energy and I'll be able to get more done makes me want to take a nap. What I mean by that is I think I do ALOT already. I'm a single mom caring for a kid and maintaining a house by myself, I work full time and I go to school full time. Oh, and then there is scrapping. I don't watch much TV. I can't imagine doing more.

Maybe the difference will be I'll feel better about doing it. Who knows. :)

The sleep study is now next week. I called Barix this week and the patient contact man wasn't fabulous. I wanted fabulous...I think I annoyed him. I understand I can be annoying, but hell, I was only asking questions.

Oh well, I'll be checking with my insurance again soon, see what they can tell me.

Peace, ya' all.

Post Poned

2006-02-13T11:45:00.000-05:00

I've post poned my sleep study because my head is full. It's full of snot and I can't breathe through my nose without some fantastic drugs.

I love the drugs. I'm not giving up the drugs, not until this sickness is gone.

At anyrate, what's one more week when I'm looking 3 months before the insurance company approves me.

Makes me think, I need to call them to see where that's at in the system. I went on line to check my account and there aren't any indicators that anyone has inquired. But what they put online for me to read and what is really happening can be two different things.

Happy Valentines Day to me.

Hi Mum.

2006-02-09T12:16:00.000-05:00

Aint this something? I've given my mother this address. To be sure, she'll be reading. Mum's pretty savvy on the net and an avid reader.

Hope this gives you the play by play that your neglecting daughter doesn't call you with.

Went to see the sleep study doctor this morning. I got in really fast because of someone else's cancellation. Yippy.

I'll be sleeping in a bed not my own on Valentine's day. That's Tuesday next week. How speedy is that? Apparently nobody else wants that night, they have romantic plans. The scheduler made me feel a pathetic about being available that night so much so, I had to say I got me a honey. It's just a long distance thing. How amazing is that? I'm so concerned about this person's opinion of me I'm sharing details I don't need to be sharing. Oi.

Will I ever be able to not over share? It goes back to that whole gay thing. There's this running joke that I introduce myself, "Hi, I'm Juli. I'm a lesbian." No I don't want to wear a pink triangle on my lapel, but I can see the benefit of not having to perpetually come out. Over and over and over again.

It's exhausting.

So sleep study. Go back in two weeks for a follow up, go back in 2 weeks again. Those are the next steps.

Today's thoughts

2006-02-07T12:51:00.000-05:00

So, Viclianco is doctor A, my family physican is doctor B, and the new guy is doctor C.

Doctor C got back to me. He apparently will be STARTING to do the procedure this summer. I didn't hang around to find out what the next steps would be to be his first lapband patient. Call me crazy, but I'll take my chances at a stand alone facility over an inexperienced doctor. He can learn on someone not me.

I just wish I could hurry along the process.

I'm feeling pretty giant. I know I can actively lose weight right now as I wait and I'm probably going to, just because I'm eating better, moving more and drinking all the water. Just to get in the right frame of mind. But FFS, I wanted this done a month ago. How long is it going to be?

The debate in my head is who do I tell. Right now I'm keeping rather mum at work. Only the big fatties and Emm am I sharing with. The fatties or used to be fatties, get it. Emm just gets to hear nearly every passing thought in my head. There's no not telling her. How do I erect a sign that says don't even say a word? I already have a pretty scathing sheild around me. I like being unapproachable. It alarms people when I do actually smile. Can't think I'm vapid. Okay, there's a giant step between nice and vapid, but I'm keeping with my original story.

Until later,

sleep study

2006-02-04T06:44:00.000-05:00

Dr. Viglianco, the lapband doc wants me to get a sleep study. I have to do that through my primary care physician, Dr. Sams.

Yesterday I called Sams. She wants me to look at a different doctor who is affiliated with a hospital, not in a stand alone facility. She's still having her people set me up for the sleep study because either/any doctor is going to want it. Her concern is if there are complication during surgery being in a hospital will save precious moments. I get it. I also get that I'd rather have a doctor who only does WLS. Also, I want this surgery right now! (Insert a foot stomping, 6 year temper tantrum here.) It took me a month to get in with Dr. Vig.

I called the other doctor. I do keep my word. Why is it that I was annoyed that there wasn't a "new patient" prompt in the automated system. I finally got some administrator who connected me and gave me the extension of the right person. I called Friday morning, left a message. Called again in the afternoon and left a message. No response. Ohh, I'm not feeling good about this practice. I know people are busy, but in a money generating business you need to pretend to care.

Let us never forget that we are consumers of a product/service. This is America and this is a capitalistic society. You sell a service, I buy it, you act like I'm important and I tell everyone you're the best person I gave my money to. It's easy.

There was a news piece on the local news about lapbands yesterday afternoon. Seems like this is going to become a popular procedure. I can certainly understand why.

On the GF note, she asked if my people thought she put me up to the surgery. Or blamed her in some way for me deciding right now to do this. When I told Gee about the conversation, she said the only obvious thing this points out is that GF hasn't learned yet that I don't do a damn thing I don't want to do.

And reassuringly enough, while talking with the EX about the whole thing, and I'm talking to the EX about the whole thing because it does impact on her via the kid and the kid's schedule, she was supportive. The woman can make explanations for everything (or excuses) and sometimes there's a real benefit to that skill. She said it was clear that I've tried other ways and other ways don't work. This is a reasonable next step.

Back in 2001, January as I recall, we were still together and I said I wanted to have a RNY surgery. I was 40 heavier than I am right now. She said that she'd never really witnessed me trying to diet. Which was true. So I tried. I joined WW and lost 75 lbs. Yeah me! Really it was -90 at that point. There were a 15 that I got rid of before joining WW.

Anyway, this weight stuff is a pain in the ass. I think if I had reason to curse someone I'd curse them not with a 10,000 locust on their house, though that would really be horrible, I've lived through 2-17 year locust returns and eww, but I'd curse someone with being perpetually fat.

It's hard.
You question your sanity. It's like there's a piece of you that you have no control over. I mean think of someone who is actually crazy, hitting himself on the head repeatedly. He knows it hurts, but he can't stop. The head hitter doesn't get advertisements saying hit himself. He also doesn't hear from the world at large that hitting himself is wrong and he's got no self control, that hitting makes him ugly, stupid and unworthy of normal desires. And when he does get the message from the caring people to stop, he's hurting himself and he still can't, the shame of it all only compounds the pain in the whole process.

And if I could walk around compulsively smacking myself in the head instead of putting the wrong food in my mouth, I think I'd just might start that. It would be my luck I'd smack myself in the head with one hand, looking like a loon, and spoon feeding myself with the other.

The up side to all of this is that somehow thinking of overeating as an illness that can be, at best cured or managed well, is encouraging. Nay, promising even.

What I'm asking my doctor today at 2pm

2006-02-02T12:15:00.000-05:00

Questions

Am I a candidate?
Other factors:
Snoring
Pain in my knee going up stairs
Foot pain
Reflux

Before Surgery:
What are the next steps?
Sleep Study
Nutritionist
Psychologist
Are the support meetings, how often do they meet?
Do you require a pre-surgery liquid diet?

About the Surgery
Is it outpatient or over night?
I react to anesthesia poorly. I needed Phenergan after my breast reduction.
What kind of incisions can I expect?
How long does the surgery take?
Which band will you use?
How much saline does it hold?
What exactly is the liquid and what happens if it leaks into my body?
Where does the port go, exactly?

After Surgery
How long should I be off work?
When can I pick up my 50 pound kid?
How long before the first fill?
How long between fills?
What’s the initial food plan? What are your opinions on liquid protein?
How do I take medications?
Should I have liquid Tylenol or Ibuprofen on hand? Should I avoid either?
What is the cost of a fill?
When do I get back to exercising? Are there strength exercises I should avoid?
When should I expect to be back to full energy level?
How soon before resuming sex?

Surgery Gone Wrong
Give me some worst case scenarios and how they are righted.

Fantastic

2006-01-31T09:00:00.000-05:00

Okay~ That's a fake it until you make it Fantastic.

I'm doing better today than I had been the last few days. Though I started the morning with bacon and eggs. I rarely eat bacon. I know my bacon days are numbered.

I wonder how typical my experiences are with food and weight. Personally I only have one other super obese - nice descriptor, huh - friend. We eat for different reasons and we pile it into our mouths differently. She's a slow and steady sit down to far too much food kind of gal. I'm a quick and dirty let's eat regular portions of food but 10-12 times a day eater. Yeah, I'll have 2 breakfasts, lunches and dinners.

I know there are other people who are the same height and weight and age. We all got here by eating too much and not disregarding our body's health. Interesting.

As I really gear up for this band part of me is saying good bye to bad habits, old ways of comforting myself that I just won't have available to me. I'm happy to be parting ways. You know like getting ready to go on an extended trip to parts of the world vastly different from what I know. I'm excited at the prospect learning new ways to cope and new ways to be. The difference is that you return home from a journey. I don't want to come back to here. I guess you never are the same after you travel. You are changed by your experiences, what you saw, who you met.

The band is going to be like that for me too I hope.

Yuck

2006-01-29T22:33:00.000-05:00

This is the lapband blog...I was reading all the posts on bandsters the yahoo group for the thinkers and doers. I'm excited and scared...

Really my head isn't on all that right now. It's racing and I don't know why.
I was short tempered with my kid today. Was it her making me nuts? Or was I nutty so her regular behavior drove me to shouting?

My bills are paid, the school thing is under control. Work, the special committees are overwhelming me. I think I want to step down before fall as I orginally planned. I've got so much stuff on my plate and I keep thinking about the drugery of the tasks ahead for that.

I know working out tomorrow will make me feel better. I didn't go Friday because the meeting ran late and I had to get the kid. Saturday we had a play date at home, I didn't even think about me not getting exercised, just Zoe and then today I was crancky as all hell. I got her on her bike and I ran behind her up and down the sidewalk a few times. That did help my head. But damn, I want this bad mood to stop. Is exercise really that tightly linked? I'm guessing and I'll let you know.

On top of that I'm weepy.

I called a friend today to come and hang out, just so Zoe could refocus her self on someone, not me for an hour, and my friend said, "not it". I balled.

I called someone else and said, I'm making dinner wanna eat? I didn't tell him the motivation. And he came, we ate, Zoe got some affection/attention from not me and life was better.

But talking to the LDR-GF(long distance relationship, girlfriend) I nearly burst into tears again that or just feed me some raw meat. I could fight someone right now. She calmed me down by talking about our favorite subject, which of course is us. Us now, us in the past, us romantically, us humorously. It was good.

Then I got on line. I hit OIC, the local on line web place we met August 2004, and I got all yucky all over agian. Just looking to chat up some old friends, but really I don't have many nor do I have the gumption to make more at this time, but I got sad.

Oy.

Looks like real life is bleeding into the WLS blog. I guess it was bound to happen. I should hop over to blogdrive and check out the old blog.

Peace

One week

2006-01-26T22:43:00.000-05:00

I'm down to waiting one more week. That's when I get to have my consultation with the doctor about the band. That's when I get my growing list of questions answered.

Things are fabulous with me and my honey.

My kid is fine.

My work is work.

The bills are paid and I CAN buy groceries.

Life is good.

Weekend

2006-01-23T10:32:00.000-05:00

Spent the weekend with my girly girl.

It was fantastic!

However, my weight has peaked. I say that because my out of control eating behavior has subsided and I know I'm going to drop a few pounds.

There's a magic number between 295-300 where I snore. My daughter doesn't really complain, my girlfriend on the other hand doesn't so much complain, but I know it bothers her.

I snored this weekend. I snored when we met and it stopped when I lost the 30# this year, but 20 pounds is back on. I hate that I snore. I hate that it hurts my throat, I hate that the only reason for it is my weight. It makes me mad. I can fight the other stuff. I can move my body. I work out, I pick up boxes of stuff and move things at work. I dance. I can counter all the fat stereotypes when I'm waking. When I sleep however, I can't do a thing about the snoring. I try to stay awake longer than her, hoping that once I won't wake her. I sleep with my face in the pillow hoping that face down is better than face up...it's just not restful.

Not to mention being with her isn't restful. I'm yawning as I type. Since we only get together once a month or so, it's almost like being new again the first night, that excited energy. The second night I know we are parting in the morning so I cling to every second, every piece of contact I can knowingly make. I really do prefer 3 nights or more. The third night I can find comfort and rest.

I told her I am 99.9% sure I'm going forward with the band. It was nice, her support.

We were walking out of a restaurant, I noticed a camera facing our car, I suggested we give a little show, kissy-kissy, for the viewing pleasure of who ever was watching. My girl is modest. Laughing I asked how she felt about being with and exhibitionist, (not really). She said, "When you lose weight I'm worried, because I know that's the only thing keeping you from performing."
She is so right.

The best part of that statement, was "when" not "if". She's on the same page as me. Bless her heart. Actually bless everyone I've told. There's been nothing but encouragement and understanding from my mom to my friends to a select few coworkers. My people are fabulous.

Reading posts on the yahoo group, taking it all in, not posting anything. Just gathering information.

2006-01-20T15:04:00.000-05:00

Me and Zoe.

Obsession

2006-01-20T08:54:00.000-05:00

My complete obsession with the Lapband is diminishing a little, which is good.
I get ideas in my head and I can't shake them for a few weeks. It doesn't mean that I'm not married to the idea it means I've processed the hell out of it and can't pick it apart any more. Well not until I get more information. And that is still 2 weeks away. So it gets filtered out or sent to the back burner to simmer.

My head is on my kid and doing my homework and doing my job and going away this weekend. Which means there is laundry to do, a dog to wash, fish food to buy, things to get done so I can hang with the girl for two days and not worry about what's going undone at home.

The girl-who is really a 40 year old woman- lives in Michigan I live 284 miles away in Ohio, we sometimes meet in the middle, in the thriving metropolis of Toledo. What's to do in Toledo in January? Who cares, so long as we are together. I'm going up tomorrow, after class.

But let's talk about her take on the Lapband shall we?

Much to my surprise we started dating 15 months ago. I was pushing 300 pounds. She's 5'8'' and hovers around 170. Yeah her, not being hung up on size. We hit it off.

We knew from the get go she was due to be transferred, we both thought it would end when she moved. We kept it casual and light. We kept it going after the transfer. We fell in real live grown up love. We are in between monogamous and committed forever.

I told her after I set my consultation that I was going to really consider WLS. She asked all the right questions. I offered to send her some links to get information, she said she'd be looking it up on her own. I think she wants to find unbiased information. Cool with me. She's not coming to the consultation, but she wants to help with the surgery and the recovery. I expected that, but I also would not have been surprised if she pulled away. We push and pull at times. Anyway, this lapband jounrey.

And this is just an aside. The girl. She's fine. She's not just tall and normal sized. But she's down right attractive by everybody's standards. She loves her family. She's also a professional who makes too much money. She has the right balance between attaching herself to my kid and respecting she might not be a permanent fixture so doesn't over do it.

NON SCALE VICTORIES

2006-01-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

1. Having my kid's hands touch when she wraps her arms around me.
2. Seeing my collar bones.
3. Buying bras and panties at Victoria's Secret.
4. Riding a roller coaster.
5. Moving my car seat closer to the wheel.
6. No extender on a plane.
7. To tie my gym shoes with out strain.
8. Sexually, be more athletic.
9. Removing links from my watch.
10. No more knee pain.
11. Buying clothes in the regular department.
12. Smaller shoe size. Yeah my feet get smaller when I get smaller.
13. Wearing heels and not feeling crippled.
14. Riding my bike regularly.
15. Running one mile.
16. Running three miles.
17. Take a kick boxing class.
18. Stop snoring.
19. Not worrying about the size of booths at restaurants.
20. Not worrying about seat belts in other people's cars fitting or not.
21. Wearing a sexy red dress.
22. Comfortably fitting in the tub with my kid.
23. Ride a jetski on vacation.
24. Hike all day.
25. Stop sneaking food. I live alone, but still feel like I sneak.

Keeping Track

2006-01-19T09:16:00.000-05:00

Time for keeping track of things.

It's not like I don't already. But I'm embracing my list making ways instead of being closeted about them. Emm (closest work buddy/neighbor) told me her take on list makers, it's our way to have control in our world that sometimes spins out of our influence.

I have my Franklin Covey planner. I love it. You can have it only when you pull it out of my dead lifeless hands. I took the class a few years back. Now I'm using it as god intended. Or Franklin Covey did. And yeah, I know they are two different people. Yesterday, I kid you not, I wrote in my planner, 'wash the dog' and 'make a pie'. Both things need to be done. I'm only one person and I'm pushing 40 so I forget things.

But it's time to track what I'm eating and when I'm working out. See that? I'm working out. Since deciding to look into WLS, I've hit the gym. My bag is packed for this afternoon too. I'll hit the gym tomorrow as well, also Saturday before I go to class, I'm hoping, I'm planning. I wrote it down. I did.

Last night I did a list of my 25 NSV I want to experience. NSV= non scale victory. Do I slash "want" for "will"? How we chose words impact how we make things happen, right?

I will experience those NSV. They will sit in a post all their own. Give me a minute.

I'm excited for making the choice to think about the band; to look closely at it being a tool. I want something to help me. I know I need the help. What more can a girl do? One day, one decision at a time. Rather like school. I'll tell you last 2 quarters I took accounting. Kill me. I literally had to think, one problem at a time. Each problem I completed I was that much closer to graduating.

Please don't pick this apart but I've said before, "I've got more confidence than a fat girl should." I'm a confident person but when I have the "beat the hell out of yourself party" being under educated and over weight are always the guests. I'm taking control of both things, and if I have to write down every move in a list to get it done, I will.

It's all New

2006-01-17T11:51:00.000-05:00

Okay kids, this is my new blog on Blogspot. I've been on blogdrive for a few years, but I want a new beginning all the way around.

Lap Band, so you see the title this is about my adventure down the road to getting a lap band and where it might lead this life.

And no, I lead this life but I'm going to be making some choices that will change the course I've been on. And that's a good thing. First choice was deciding to get a consultation after reading a few items on the internet about them. http://www.lap-band.com/about.html will give you some information on the technical side of things.

Then I got on a few list serves with people who either have or like me are considering having the band installed. I've learned a lot reading about their experiences. Interesting, scary but pretty much I'm ready to get it done and get on with losing weight.

Since my consultation isn't until February 2nd I'm trying to wrap my head around what it might be like. Eating small bites, chewing well, sipping instead of gulping water. I got my ass back to the gym as well. Because as I see it the band will be a tool, and aid in getting the weight off, but I'm going to have to eat well and move this ass to make it more effective. And again, if I'm going to get surgery to control the food going in, I'm going to do the best I can to get the most out of the procedure. I'm going to work out.

At some point before, I'll take some pictures, get them up here. I'll also put down my weight and BMI.

Just for the record, I've been bigger than I am now. My highest known weight was 338, but chances are it was higher by a few pounds before I had the nerve to get on a scale. I'm under 300 now, but just. I'm 5'2''. So yeah I'm about as big around as I am tall.

Throughout high school I was a chubby size 16, around 155. In my early twenties I saw my weight hover around 230, size 22. As I got older in an unhappy relationship/burnout job my weight got to the high mark. I was 30 going on 31. At 32 I dropped 80 lbs. I got as small as a 24, I weigh around 260. As I recall the was a weight where I spent a few years. Seems plateaus happen on your way down where you lingered on your way up.

Well, there you go. As for stats I'm a single gay mom. My daughter is 4. I'm dating someone seriously. That's all there is to know for now.